Work 2 Live Well Podcast: A Mindful Moment
Parenting is challenging under the best of circumstances, but lately? Mindful parenting might be an excellent solution.
THE WORK 2 LIVE WELL PODCAST TRANSCRIPT
Teresa McKee (00:00):
Hello, I'm Teresa McKee your host for a Mindful Moment. Thank you for joining me as we explore ways to increase mindfulness in our day to day experiences. Mindfulness is presence awareness. It's paying attention to what's happening within us and around us. Mindfulness increases our emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing. It can also enhance our focus on productivity, and there are many health benefits from practicing mindfulness and meditation from lowering blood pressure to increased longevity. Perhaps most importantly, in today's chaotic world. mindfulness strengthens our ability to be more compassionate to ourselves as well as others.
Teresa McKee (01:58):
I've been asked many times over the years about parenting. About how to juggle family, home responsibilities and outside work; about how to manage self care when you're already overwhelmed with taking care of the kids, what to do about moody teenagers, and more. Parenting is not easy. And that's under normal circumstances. I cannot imagine the stress parents have been under over the past 18 months. In addition to the anxiety, most adults have had to deal with, parents have had concerns about their children's safety, homeschooling, remote learning, lack of socialization and extracurricular activities, masks, vaccinations, and the impact all of this has had and may still have on their offspring. I've mentioned before that I have been truly grateful my kids are grown because the amount of pressures on parents during this pandemic have been intense. I've also observed however that many parents found silver linings to all of this upheaval and enjoyed unexpected pleasures in being locked down with their children. Appreciating new found time together and exploring ways to communicate and entertain themselves.
Teresa McKee (03:11):
Everyone's circumstances are different, of course. So there's no way to know what exactly made the difference between those who struggled and those who embraced what has happened. But regardless of circumstances, there is one thing parents can do to improve their relationship with their kids while maintaining their own sense of wellbeing. And that's mindful parenting. We all make mistakes as parents. And since I had never heard of mindfulness when I was raising mine, I made a lot of mistakes, believe me. Because I did not practice mindful parenting. I thought it would be best to find an expert to explain it. Josephine Atluri is an expert in meditation and mindfulness, helping thousands of people overcome adversity to find joy. Her experience creating her modern day family of seven children via in vitro fertilization, international adoption and surrogacy, inspires her work as a highly sought after fertility and parenting mindfulness coach. Josephine also hosts a popular podcast, Responding to Life: Talking Health, Fertility & Parenthood. Her new book, Mindfulness Journal for Parents: Prompts and Practices to Stay Calm, Present, and Connected helps parents use mindfulness to be more present and empathetic to their kids and themselves and maintain their cool when chaos happens.
Teresa McKee (04:36):
Well welcome Josephine. We're so glad to have you here with us today.
Josephine Atluri (04:40):
Thanks so much for having me, Teresa. I'm so excited for our conversation.
Teresa McKee (04:44):
I think it's such good timing. So your book, Mindfulness Journal for Parents. I have more empathy for parents than I've had since I was a parent with kids at home, just because of what everybody's been through in the last year and a half. So I thought it was really a great idea to talk about mindful parenting at this time, because unfortunately it looks like we're about to go back through some more stuff. So I really appreciated the way the book is laid out. Obviously it's journals and you know, you have to practice to learn mindfulness. So they were all beautiful prompts, but I also thought it was great that you included real examples of situations with parents and children. So it makes it much more relatable. What prompted you to write the book?
Josephine Atluri (05:23):
What prompted me to write the book is that I found myself many years back feeling really overwhelmed. You know, I was dealing with a return to work life as well as raising a little children. And I just found myself in this swirl of never ending chaos, which, you know, doesn't ever disappear, but it was the way in which I approached life and approached everything that I was dealing with that I knew there was something that had to change because at the end of the day, I couldn't remember my interactions with my children, I knew I was with them and I was caring for them, but maybe the things they said or their reactions was just lost upon me. And that just felt just like I was missing a great deal of life. So I was trying to figure out what I could do when a friend of mine mentioned that I should give mindfulness and meditation to try.
Josephine Atluri (06:16):
And I thought that this wasn't for me. I hear this from my clients all the time. It wasn't for me type a, I couldn't turn my mind off, constantly surrounded by post-its. So how could I sit and do something like this? Anyway, she persisted, and I'm glad that she did because I tried an app, you know, we're so fortunate to have so many resources and I just tried it for a few minutes. And then just those few minutes, I noticed that I finally one, I finally took time out for myself to just reset and to hit the pause button in my day, which is how I like to describe it now for other people, you know, it gives you a chance to refresh yourself much like we do with our computer and our phones. We all need that as well. And I found that instantly as I was practicing mindfulness meditation, I started to just change within myself, but that translated into my relationship and my interactions with my children and with my family and just everyone in general.
Josephine Atluri (07:12):
And once I saw that happening, a light clicked on and I knew that I had to continue living this way. I knew that I wanted to have to share this with everyone, not just with my friends and family. And that's when I decided to be trained as a meditation teacher. And then ultimately, as I was going through the training program, I thought I should relate this to my own experiences. One that, which is infertility, which I do fertility mindfulness, but also with parenting and how other parents and caregivers out there can build this into their life with really simple, approachable, easy to do strategies and techniques that won't require them to buy into and learn a whole new sort of system of life is just tiny little approachable shifts in their day and ways of looking at life that they can incorporate.
Teresa McKee (08:10):
I think your approach with the journaling, it's not like they have to journal a book there's like a prompt, you know, to help them think about a situation with their kids, which comes up all the time. You know, basically if you're mindful, you're mindful, but you've got to have some kind of an entryway to start practicing. And especially if you're trying to do it with your children, which I think again is so important anyway, but especially right now, these questions are, I think, very reflective and really will help people become more self-aware about maybe where they're operating from, you know, because like you said, we live in a chaotic world. It is hard to kind of just slow down a minute, you know, and take some time to think through what you're doing, but you're making a difference for the rest of that child's life so that's great. So one of the things I wanted to ask you about from, in the book, one of the areas that you talk about is multitasking and what a mistake it is. So could you explain a little bit to our listeners why that is?
Josephine Atluri (09:03):
Yes. So I, you know, I'm always juggling so many things and one of my jobs in my former life was an event planner. So it's constantly multitasking. I had to, by definition with that job. But what I found with that example that I brought up in the beginning of how, at the end of the day, I couldn't remember my interactions with my children or the heart of it. That's when I was multitasking. I was sitting with my, with my newborns and I had my like six-year-old kid asking me things and I was on my phone. I was checking work emails and I was answering my calls and so I was multitasking in that moment. Or for example, I'd be cooking dinner and I'd have one child trying to do something with me or asking me something this, my husband asking me that, I had to shoot off an email as well.
Josephine Atluri (09:47):
And I was doing a hundred things at once, which I know everyone listening can relate to, but the problem there is you're spread so thin that you can't really give 100% to one given thing. And when you can't do that, that's when you walk away and you feel sort of empty, like what happened there? You can't quite remember. You didn't really fully interact in that moment. And it's one thing when it's something like an email when you're a computer, but it's a whole different thing when it's an interaction that you missed with a person; particularly someone in your life, you know, that you're close to. So that's why I brought up that one example of how multitasking is a mistake, because you're not fully there. So the definition of mindfulness is I like to put it is just being aware, being aware of the present moment, whether that's yourself, how you're feeling, your body, your emotions, how you're interacting with others.
Josephine Atluri (10:38):
And so when you're multitasking, how can you really be completely aware of what's happening to each of those different things because you're just giving 25% here, 25% there, and you're not giving 100%, so you can't fully be there. It seems like it would take a lot more time to individually do things, but I challenge you and the listeners to practice this and just try, just try doing one thing. And you'll find that it takes a shorter amount of time because you didn't have to do it with 10 other things. So if you're able to just answer the question of your child or play with them for five minutes, that's it, right? It took you a shorter amount of time than having to explain to them, wait, I'm doing this and you constantly have to drag it out, right? Instead of just sitting there for those five minutes or answering that question, and then they're fine.
Josephine Atluri (11:26):
They're usually just fine, problem solved. They go off and they don't need you there like 24/7. And then you can go back to what you're doing, say with dinner and it just gets done faster. So it's challenging. I know for myself, because it was a hard habit for myself to break, but just try it every now and then like once a day, and then you'll gradually see how it makes a difference. And once you can see change and how it can impact your life, you'll just want to keep doing. And so that's how you start.
Teresa McKee (11:54):
I agree completely. And when we scatter ourselves like that, it's the opposite to me of mindfulness, it's mindlessness because you're doing everything partially, like you said, and then you're not really getting anything done well, so that's fantastic. You talk about some mindfulness barriers. Do you want to share a couple of those with our listeners?
Josephine Atluri (12:12):
When people start to look into this practice, they find it difficult. And the reason that it's difficult is because there are often these barriers, they can be physical, they can just be hypothetical barriers, you know, and things such as scheduling or how you're setting it up, how you are approaching this mindfulness. So for example, with scheduling, if you are trying to get into a mindful habit and you want to make a practice of it, just do it a few minutes a day, you build up that habit, you build up that access in your brain. But if you are trying to set it up for success, then you should be honest with yourself about when you really committed it. And when it's best suited for you. So some people are morning people, some people are night people, but then there are night people who want to try and be morning people and that doesn't quite work out, right? The barrier would be trying to fit it in, but not being realistic about when you can actually do it and tying it to something that you already do - habit stacking - is a great way of doing it, trying to just do it on its own might not be as successful. So these are all different barriers that we have where, you know, we could set ourselves up for success, but we're not taking that extra step to do it.
Teresa McKee (13:28):
One of the biggest barriers that people create for themselves from my perspective is time. They think that they have to get this big chunk of time somehow from somewhere. And none of us have that. And so I'm glad you brought that up because you can build a mindfulness practice into everything you're already doing, it doesn't have to take a ton of time except for meditating, and that again, you can start small right now. The biggest thing that keeps coming up is really about people not taking care of themselves because they feel overwhelmed taking care of other people. And so you have a whole section in the book called giving yourself a break, which I think is very pertinent, but one of them that really struck me, especially again, in light of what parents have had to do, like, you know, taking on so many additional roles and trying to do their jobs with kids at home and you know, everything that's been going on is perfectionism. And so I was wondering if you could just talk a little bit about how perfectionism is not the best thing for us.
Josephine Atluri (14:22):
The way I structured the book is I start off with just covering what mindfulness is and that's just in relation to yourself, not even with your children. And then that section of giving herself a break is about how we care for ourselves, because we've all heard the adage of how we need to take care of ourselves first, put on the oxygen mask first, before we can do it for others and it's true in everything that we do. We can't give from an empty vessel, but to your question about perfectionism, you know, we all have these standards, whether or not we acknowledge them or even realize them, we have all these standards and expectations that we have for our own selves, not even talking about her children, which we have a whole different set for them, but for ourselves, we come upon these throughout life, you know, in things that we do.
Josephine Atluri (15:04):
So perhaps when we were little, we were told to always just be very proper about things. And so that just stayed in the back of your mind whether or not, you know it. And so you're always holding yourself to that standard in that regard, or always get good grades or always be the best child. So that's just always in the back of your mind and it leaks out into every interaction that you do and every choice that you make. So my point of challenging this perfectionism is that when you're striving to have like this perfect life or this perfect interaction, oftentimes life is messy, right? And you can't get to that 100%. The problem with that is that it causes this negativity spiral and then you're down on yourself. And so you're then focused on the negative aspects of not being able to achieve this perfectionism that you have in your mind, that you believe is achievable versus appreciating all the great steps that you took, trying to get there, the whole journey that you had took, the commitment that you made, the hard work that you did to try to get to this point, all of that gets lost.
Josephine Atluri (16:06):
When you have that in the back of your mind, let's not aim for perfectionism. Let's just aim to be productive and to try our best and to do what we can. If you have that in the back of your mind, then you're setting yourself up for more success and you're better able to witness the journey and appreciate it and be more positive about the whole thing.
Teresa McKee (16:27):
It's so interesting to me when we teach mindfulness and meditation, because people have an idea of how to be the perfect mindful person or the perfect meditator, right? And I have to keep pointing out. No, it's when you notice you messed up that you're building your mindfulness skills. It's exactly the opposite of what you think, but it is hard. People do have very set beliefs and you're right. I think many people don't even realize, you know, where they came from, they've had them for their whole lives. And so it takes just that conscious effort to pay attention to what you're doing to yourself, to start undoing it. You talk about knowing what you can control and that, do you think that that's important?
Josephine Atluri (17:04):
Control such a big word and it's just, it's so weighty and, oh my goodness. You know, I was speaking with someone and it was great because we were having this conversation on control and she brought up the fact that, you know, instead of control, you're trying to think of the things that you can control because before I was telling people, well, figure it out. The things that you can control and let go of the things that you can't, because there's so many things in life that we can't control and this fight that we have to try and do do just creates more negativity, it just creates more problems versus understanding when to let go. The whole sort of mindfulness is that mindset. And it's this underlying framework for how you approach everything. So with things like, what can you control? Well, you have to be aware to know what things you can let go of, right?
Josephine Atluri (17:50):
But there are definitely things that we can control such as our breath and our mindset and different things like that. But in talking with her, she said that control, when we even just use that word, it puts such pressure on us and it creates this idea that, well, we need to have control over certain things instead using a simple word, because as I pointed out in the journal words matter and makes such a huge difference. You can change one little thing and it makes a huge change in your mindset and perspective. So instead of control, how about navigate? Like let's just navigate through these issues that we're having, or let's try to navigate what's happening today versus let's see what I can control today and what I can let go of. And so I've been personally trying to just shift that word for myself as well, instead of, you know, what can I control today versus just what can I navigate through with the best of intentions, with the best sort of approach and mindset.
Teresa McKee (18:46):
I love that because I agree control is such an issue. And I also agree with you that words are powerful. And one of the things that I include in a lot of what I do is replacing the word should, and you've got that in there about these shoulds, just to make sure everyone understands how this book works, it's really like a workbook, so you can work through your own feelings. It's not someone telling you how to feel or exactly what to do. And that's really the clue to all of this is that awareness. But when it comes to shoulds, I'm wondering what you think happens to, whether it's our mind or bodies, when we use the word should?
Josephine Atluri (19:20):
I really believe in this idea that changing one simple word can really change your mindset. I mean, let's think about the word no, which is also in the book, that is huge for children. It triggers so many emotions. And if we could just switch it with something else. But with the word should for adults and even for children, it creates so much pressure and anxiety. Like I should do this. And then the back of your mind, you're trying to hold yourself up to this standard, this level of perfectionism of, oh, I should be making these cupcakes from scratch that I'm bringing to the classroom. Well, you don't have to, you get to make these and you get to participate in your child's event at school. And you're lucky to be able to do that. And so you can make a choice of, do I want to make them from scratch or do I want to just buy them based off of what I know I have the capacity to do today. So that word should, is just so loaded much like the word control. And so I feel like it should just be replaced with I get to or something else given that situation.
Teresa McKee (20:28):
Yeah we use could. If you really just say something to yourself, both ways, you can feel the difference. Yeah. I should do the dishes versus I could do the dishes, right? Now you have a choice so it's exactly what you're saying. One of your chapters is called cultivating gratitude, joy and peace. And we've covered quite a bit in this program on gratitude because I think it's so powerful, but one of the journal prompts is related to one year later. So I was wondering if you could just share that with our audience to get some perspective.
Josephine Atluri (20:56):
Yeah. That's one tool in mindfulness to really help you stay grounded and present and shift from a state of negativity to one of positivity. One of the journal prompts in there was to reflect forward, like where do you want to see yourself in a year? And with mindfulness, I'm always telling people to stay in the present moment. Don't think about the past. It's already done. Nothing can change that. And don't think about the future, it hasn't happened yet, but it is okay to think about certain things. It is okay to set goals. It is okay to think about what that future looks like, so that you can do the things today. So in thinking about that, where do you see yourself in a year? Like, how do you hope this will affect and transform yourself and your relationship with your children and your family and others.
Josephine Atluri (21:45):
And that way, when you set your intentions, you know, going forward daily, you have that vision of what that looks like in your mind and written on paper. And so that you can always go back to it and re-adjust your intentions based off of what it is that you see for this future version of yourself. And it's not like you're living that, you're just always thinking about that and missing everything in the present, you're just using that as sort of this anchor and this sort of vision that you can look towards to really dictate how you want to be in this present moment.
Teresa McKee (22:24):
We actually use intentions and goals and the reason I asked you that is because so many people interpret that to me and then you don't set goals and goals are so important to success. The interesting thing, and I don't know who wrote it, I can't remember anymore I've read so many books, but I loved it and I've never forgotten it, which is, if you live by intentions, then you're living your goals every day. Instead of it being this far off future thing, you know what I mean? That you may or may not reach. And that motivates me to set intentions every day because it's true, then you're living your goal as you work toward it. So I'm glad you included that too. Is there anything else you can think of that might be helpful to parents out there that are trying to be more mindful or that are trying to teach their children how to be mindful?
Josephine Atluri (23:05):
Yeah. And you know, we already discussed it very briefly is just try it for yourself so that you can then model it for your children. And by trying mindfulness, it's merely just a few minutes of your day when you best can fit it in. If you can schedule into your calendar and stack it onto an existing habit that you do every day, all the better for success. And it can be something as simple as picking up the book and looking at a journal prompt so that you're asking yourself these questions, you know, mindfulness is really this awareness. And when you're aware, you're constantly asking yourself questions, like, why did I do this or what's happening here? Why am I feeling this way? It's this is constant dialogue. That's what you're aiming towards is this constant awareness but that involves this conversation with yourself. You know, whether it's that, or whether it's sitting for meditation using an app or something like that, but just a few minutes a day, so that you start to create a lifestyle of mindfulness and awareness.
Josephine Atluri (24:05):
And you start to really build up that neural pathway in your brain that goes towards this type of thinking, this type of mindset versus doing sort of the things that you were doing in the past. And so it allows you to dismantle old approaches and rebuild from this place of awareness. And so that would be my advice for how to, to give this a shot and how to then once you're able to do that, then you're able to help your children do it. Really, they work from us so when they see you doing it - and don't be shy about it - just, you know, really like talk about it, that you're doing this and let them see that you're doing it, that's what I do with my children. So they just know that that's just a part of life for them, that they see mommy doing this and sometimes she asks them to join along. So that's how you can start.
Teresa McKee (24:51):
Excellent. And so the name of the book is Mindfulness Journal for Parents: Prompts and Practices to Stay Calm, Present, and Connected. And I think that's a perfect summary of what we all need in life right now so I thank you and congratulate you on the book. It's not about improving your parenting it's to me, it's about enhancing your parenting or, you know, really getting to experience the richness of all of the experiences with children, which know sometimes, can feel overwhelming. So thank you very much for joining us and for writing the book.
Josephine Atluri (25:23):
Oh, thanks so much Teresa for having me on, as a pleasure speaking about the book, and there's also an online companion course that I created, and it has video guidance for many of the exercises, especially helpful if you're new to mindfulness and meditation.
Teresa McKee (25:37):
Fantastic. Thank you so much. I appreciated that Josephine encourages us to create new mindful habits by attaching them to existing habits, practice mindful breathing every time you brush your teeth, practice gratitude every time you have a meal. By adding these techniques to existing habits, you'll quickly develop these new habits without any difficulty and without taking up extra time. You can learn more about Josephine's work at www.jatluri.com. You'll also find her mindfulness journal for parents companion course at mindfulparentclass.com. Her new book, Mindfulness Journal for Parents, can be found on our book club page at work2liveproductions.com. And you can view the full interview on our YouTube channel. As Josephine mentioned, the first step to mindful parenting is simply being mindful, stay aware and present in the moment to whatever you're doing. Be compassionate with yourself and others and practice accepting life as it is without judging it as good or bad. We can't control what's happening out there, but we can control our response to it. Responding from a place of calmness and clarity will definitely serve us and those around us. And that's a definite move toward achieving total wellbeing.
Teresa McKee (27:13):
Meditation is the most effective technique to strengthen mindfulness. The key to experiencing the full benefits of this practice is to meditate every day. Even if you start with just a few minutes and work your way up to 20 to 30 minutes per session over time. Consistency counts and the benefits are cumulative. So be kind to yourself and meditate daily. We have guided meditations to help you get started at work2liveproductions.com, but here are the instructions for a simple sitting meditation to get you started. Sit comfortably with feet flat on the floor and hands on your lap, close your eyes or soften your gaze and begin noticing your breath. Breathe normally paying focused attention to each in-breath and out-breath. Notice every detail from where you feel your breath in your body, to the pace, depth and temperature as the air moves in and out. Each time your mind wanders away from the breath, simply return your focus to the breath. It is in this noticing that you're building your mindfulness skills. Your mind may wander a hundred times in just a couple of minutes and that's normal. Each time you notice, that's mindfulness. Until next time we can live better lives and create a better world. All it takes to get started is a mindful moment.